Apology or Appreciation?: What “I’m Sorry” Really Means in Japan

Have you ever helped a Japanese person, heard them say “Thank you—I’m sorry,” and wondered why they were apologizing? You know you are being thanked, yet you’re not quite sure what they are trying to say. You might think you did something wrong. That short, uncertain moment can add an awkward pause to the conversation—and sometimes make it harder to feel closer to the other person.

 In this column, I’d like to share my experience and explore what we really mean when we say “I’m sorry” in moments of gratitude in Japan.

When someone helps us, we often think about the time and effort they put in. Even while we are grateful, we might still feel like we’ve caused some trouble. Many of us find that “thank you” alone doesn’t really capture how we feel.

Back in the 1990s, Japanese linguist Haruko Ogawa noted that in Japan, “I’m sorry” is often used alongside words of gratitude. Looking at it this way, apologizing and thanking can seem closely connected. 

I’ve come across something similar in earlier writings. Ruth Benedict, an American anthropologist, mentioned that in Japan, people often pay attention not only to outcomes, but also to the process that led to them.

For a long time, I never questioned saying sorry together with thanks. But one experience made me realize that this way of responding to kindness isn’t always taken for granted in other cultures.

When I was in college in Japan, I lived in a dorm with friends from many different countries. One day, I washed a pile of dishes my flatmates had left in the sink. When they saw the clean, shiny plates, they smiled and said things like, “Thank you!” and “That really helps.” Only my Japanese friend reacted a little differently. She said, “Thank you — I’m sorry. That must have been a lot of work.” The others looked puzzled and asked her why she apologized. She explained that while she was grateful, she also felt a bit sorry for the trouble I had gone through. Hearing this, they nodded and said, “I see — that’s an interesting way of thinking.” 

Through this experience, I realized that even when we share the same moment, where we place our attention shapes how we feel about it.

　In moments of gratitude, “I’m sorry” in Japan often shows appreciation for someone’s effort rather than serving as an apology. It’s often used when people focus less on themselves and more on what the other person has done. Once you recognize this, the words may start to sound different to you. So the next time you hear a Japanese person say, “Thank you — I’m sorry,” you might come to see it as a quiet gesture of care.

Ayumi Tenkumo
I am an English conversation instructor. I majored in English at university and spent a year in Australia as an exchange student. During my time in Australia and Japan, I lived with people from diverse cultural backgrounds. Through these experiences, I have developed a long-standing interest in how language is used in culturally specific ways that go beyond dictionary definitions.
I seek to bridge understanding by helping others see the ways of thinking and everyday practices that underlie Japanese communication.